Last week a client asked if I could share some articles on — dealing with intrusive thoughts. I told her that I will write something and share it. That’s how I landed on this topic.
There are many simple practices like journaling, meditation and mindfulness practices that are of great help when it comes to dealing with thoughts. I am not going to share in detail about them here as you could easily google and find something that resonates with you.
In this article, I choose to focus on
- How you give power to your thoughts
- Why do you give power to your thoughts, and
- How to stop giving power to your thoughts
[You might need to read some parts of this article a few times. So please read it when you have the time and energy to do so. I promise it will be worth your time and energy.]
How you give power to your thoughts
Every day thousands of thoughts appear and disappear in your consciousness. Most of them don’t stay for more than a few seconds and hardly impact your life.
However, some thoughts seem to linger around and trouble you.
If you were to look closely, you will notice that a thought gains power only to the extent you give it your attention and belief.
If a thought appears and you don’t pay attention, it naturally fades away — this happens so often that you may not even take note of it. For example, you might notice a random thought popping up — “How would it be to be on mars?”
Unless you are Elon Musk, this thought may not have much relevance in your life. Hence, you may not give it the attention required to stay longer.
Then, there are some thoughts that get your attention but fail to get your belief. These are often thoughts that are relevant to your life but you know them to be untrue.
For example, you may notice a thought — “If I don’t complete my project on time will I be fired from my job?”
If you are confident about your work and contribution to the company, you might consider this a silly/stupid thought. Thus, it loses any power over you. It fades away without troubling you.
Now comes the most important segment of thoughts. These are the ones that gain your attention and belief.
For example, you might notice a thought — “No matter how much work I do no one will acknowledge it.”
This could be a thought that could gain your attention and belief. It gains your attention as it is related to one of your needs — the need to be valued/appreciated.
This thought may gain your belief if you had experiences where people didn’t acknowledge your efforts. And, thus this thought may stay longer and cause you discomfort.
In short, a thought is powerless unless you give it your attention and belief. And, it becomes troublesome when you believe in thoughts that are unpleasant/limiting.
Why do you give power to your thoughts?
You give power to your thoughts by believing in them. There are essentially two reasons to believe a thought:
- The thought seems true to you based on your past experiences. For example, you believe you are not good enough as you failed your exams multiple times.
- The thought acts as a shield from getting hurt. For example, believing you are not worthy of love shields you from the pain of not being loved. It immunes you from pain by preparing you for the worst.
In short, the reason you believe in unpleasant thoughts that trouble you is that you are convinced it is true or you are experiencing some safety/comfort in believing them.
How to stop giving power to your thoughts
To stop giving power to your thoughts all you need to do is — stop believing them.
However, it’s not as easy as it sounds.
Since believing a thought is not a conscious decision, you will find it difficult to just stop it at your will.
However, since we have discovered that there are only two reasons you believe a thought if those reasons can be challenged you will notice the belief withering away.
Let’s discuss this with an example: consider the thought “No matter how much work I do no one will acknowledge it.”
You challenge your belief in this thought by gently questioning it. Your intention here need not be to prove it wrong but to discover what’s really true.
Here is how we do this: Ask yourself, “Can I be absolutely sure that, no matter how much work I do no one will acknowledge it?”
If you look deep within you might find many reasons why you can not be absolutely sure about this though.
- You might see there have been people who have acknowledged your work. This means the thought is an exaggerated version of your disappointment, hence not fully true.
- You might see you cannot be absolutely sure about your future based on your past experiences. You can only make guesses. No matter how true your guess may prove to be in future, at the moment it is just a guess.
At this point, you either see that you cannot be absolutely sure or you can be absolutely sure. Both are welcome. However, don’t take anything else in the middle for an answer as it is often your mind’s way to distract/confuse you.
In many cases, once you notice that you cannot be sure that it is true, you will notice yourself being free from the tight hold of that thought. However, that need not always be the case hence we dive deeper.
If you cannot be absolutely sure that the thought is true
Despite seeing you cannot be sure the thought is true, if you prefer holding onto the thought it is because you feel the thought is shielding you from some pain.
In the example we have taken here, believing that no one will acknowledge your work will help you keep your expectations for acknowledgement low and thus minimize the chances of getting hurt.
If you notice yourself at this juncture, you need to ask yourself — “What is the cost of believing this thought?”
Notice all the ways this thought might be limiting you, and ask yourself if this thought is still worth holding onto.
If we consider the same example, where you believe, “ “No matter how much work I do no one will acknowledge it.” You may notice that believing in this thought is
- stopping you from putting your best foot forward
- making you feel unhappy/dissatisfied
- making you overwork/underwork
- Making you look for constant external validation
As you discover all the way the thought is limiting you, you may discover the strength to let go of the thought and move forward.
In case, you see value in holding onto the thought despite all its limitations then you might need to let the thought be and not try to fight it.
If you are absolutely sure that the thought is true
If you feel absolutely sure that the thought you are holding onto is true in your case. The best question to ask yourself is — “What is the most responsible way to respond to this truth”?
Anytime you encounter a difficult truth you have the option to take responsibility for it or to find someone to blame it on.
Taking responsibility for the truth would mean focusing on identifying the need that’s not getting met in the situation and focusing on actions within your control to get the need met.
In this example, you may notice that the thought is indicating that your need for acknowledgement/appreciation is not met.
You may ask yourself, “what are the actions within my control that might lead to getting this need met.”
You might start with appreciating yourself or communicating your need responsibly to the ones around you.
As you start getting your needs met, you will notice yourself healing and finding your power & freedom.
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I’m a Life & Executive Coach. I coach mid-to-senior level executives to live an authentic & fulfilling life.
