A client recently told me, “I say things directly and it hurts people.”
She didn’t want to put on a mask and pretend everything is fine when it is not. However, she didn’t want to hurt people either. She was wondering how to get out of this dilemma.
I have seen that most people find it difficult, to be honest, and kind at the same time.
While some people use “I’m just being honest” as an excuse for not being sensitive to the other person’s emotions, some others use “I don’t want to hurt someone” as an excuse to not speak their truth”.
Most times, if not all times, honesty without kindness is not honesty. And, kindness without honesty is not kindness. It is a mask we use to avoid facing our vulnerability. Let me explain this with examples:
Honesty without kindness
Let’s imagine you are telling your partner “you are irresponsible”.
You may know that’s not the kindest thing to say, but your mind may justify it by saying, “I’m being honest. I cannot keep telling things that make him/her happy all the time”
This is where your mind tricks you. It tricks you into believing the only way to be kind here is by suppressing your truth. And, since you don’t want to suppress it anymore it’s okay to say something that may be unkind.
The truth is that you can express your truth without being unkind.
For example, you could say “This is the third time I’m reminding you to find out about the home loan. When you don’t take action despite my reminders, it makes me sad and anxious. It makes me think getting the home loan sorted is not important for you”
If you notice this example, you are not holding back from expressing your thoughts or emotions. And, you are not blaming the other person.
While it may seem you are being honest while saying “you are irresponsible” you are actually not being honest. Because you are expressing or revealing your emotions, rather you are hiding them beneath your judgement.
Kindness without honesty
Imagine one of your friends/colleagues has spent months on a passion project and they approached you to get your feedback.
You may notice yourself not giving feedback in the name of not wanting to hurt or disappoint someone. You may say all the nice things but avoid things that may not be pleasant to convey.
Though it may seem a kind thing to do. If you look deeper you may notice that your intention is to avoid your fear of being disliked.
If you notice yourself in such situations, it’s a sign that you need to learn how to express your truth in a kind and responsible way.
It is your honest feedback shared in a kind way that would benefit the other person rather than you avoiding giving your feedback due to your fear of being disliked.
Conclusion
Honesty cannot be an excuse to be unkind and kindness cannot be an excuse to hold back expressing honestly.
The reason we use excuses like “I’m being honest” or “I don’t want to hurt someone” is to avoid being vulnerable.
It is our responsibility to learn to communicate in an honest and kind way.
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I’m a Life & Executive Coach. I coach mid-to-senior level executives to live an authentic & fulfilling life.
